July 30, 2013 — Chidinma
July 30, 2013 — Chidinma
Today has been slow, as my brain took a hike and only just came home.
I am trying to decide, what to write for this site,
**
Behind my mask, I am only a criminal.
Behind my mask, I am home alone.
Sometimes I wish life were easier for me and that I was less burdened by guilt.
I wish I could stop hiding behind fake smiles and glee and that I trusted people a little bit more.
I long to talk to some other person than God, who will accept and understand the person I am.
The road is too narrow, so I have had to walk alone.
But on days like these, I wonder if I should have chosen an alternative route.
I am cranky and callous, considerate and fair.
Agitated, amused, apprehensive and amazed.
Undecided is me, mule headed is me.
So whatever you see, please think twice.
Do not assume.
Real life sometimes is learning, to cope with what is given.
To fight the fear of losing, to glue the broken pieces.
But to stand for what is written, I must hide from all misgivings.
I have to try to be forgiving and bless the ones that curse me.
Today I’m très weary, as another story hits me
The one I called a brother, thought me to be a monster.
**
The day is almost over and these random feelings still won’t stop gushing from me.
I start out with a plan of what I want to say or do and find myself on the opposite end of that thought. I almost amuse myself with this strange side of me.
If you ever asked people what they thought of me, I bet you, this sane side will never be mentioned.
It is amusing however, how little they have always known. How little they care of whatever I feel and how blinded they are.
They see what is not there and hear what you don’t say.
I am tired of people. I am tired of facades.
I am tired of contracts, dreams and fate.
As I lay me down to sleep, I only pray that I find relief in my fantasy world.
— -
About: Chidinma is an aspiring scribe with a vested interest in the spoken word. She’s still wobbling on her way to self discovery and hopes to develop her skills sooner than expected.