05 — Cleo
05 — Cleo
Ever had the feeling that God was using someone to punish you for some past sin? Well, at this point, I don’t know what to think anymore.
I am looking at this man. The man I am to marry soon and I feel…nothing. Not anger, sadness or hate. Just a bone deep tiredness and a whole lot of nothing. But I cannot call it off because nobody really cares about how I feel. The only thing on people’s minds is that I am not getting any younger and I better hold on to this one or else I will be alone forever.
The thing is, they have tapped into my greatest fear, dying alone. Oh, there are my friends and family but none of them can really understand what I feel. I couldn’t , even explain it to them. And if I tried, it will be the same old tired sayings
It is well.
Hold on.
Look to God.
I’m sure it is all in your head.
And so on.
Also, I am a huge coward. What if this is the best chance I have at a family or a good life? The alternative is scary. I don’t know if I have the courage and strength to hoof it on my own. I don’t know if there is someone out there who gets me and who is willing to take my broken spirit and fix me. I don’t know if I will ever get the life I want.
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t know I have given up on him. That I am just going through the motions because I don’t want to upset anybody or seem ungrateful. He doesn’t know that the only reason I’m actually going through with this is because I want a baby and at this point he is the only one who will give me one. He doesn’t know that I am one step away from losing it. He doesn’t know that I do not love him anymore.
And that breaks my heart.
He used to make me happy. I think that was where I went wrong. I was looking for someone to make me happy instead of making myself happy from the onset. Instead of standing my ground and not succumbing to the pressure from family and friends to Go and Marry.
That is how I got here…looking at my “husband to be” and wondering what the hell I am doing. At this point, I don’t know what I am doing. It is hard being happy by yourself when you have used your own hands to fuck up your life. I let pressure from everybody get to me and now I am doomed to a fake life with this man.
I guess I have to suck it up and endure. Is that what our mothers went through? Endured through it all for the sake of their children and society?
I have to make a decision.
—
My friends call me Cleo. I write, at least I try to write. Hope to finish my first novel this year. I’m into erotica, fine foods, fine wine, sexy bodies and I am currently trying to find myself.